Renovation of Faith

 I've spent a lot of time over the last several years wondering about my faith, about the church, and about Jesus. I've felt lost, alone, and isolated. I've felt like what I read in the bible about Jesus and his earliest followers is so utterly disconnected from our modern Christian reality that I've questioned if we even have the right to call ourselves the church. We (Western, white, American Christianity) seem pre-occupied with politics, whether that's democrats or republicans; hot button issues that consume a significant amount of our energy but produce no results; shallow, empty faith that professes one thing, but doesn't live it; modeling ourselves after successful brands and companies; spending our resources on things that don't matter. And in all of that avoiding issues that the Church should be concerned about: the oppression of people of color, the plight of women both in and outside the church, the corrupt powers that allow people to work for starvation wages, healthcare that puts them into unrecoverable debt, the growing wealth gap, the fate of marginalized peoples, whether of color, LGBTQ+, or just people that don't fit the American mainstream. Our leaders are walking away because they don't believe, or being caught up in scandals of money and sex, not to mention the people who say they're Christian leaders, but I would be shocked if they know Jesus. I've wondered why my Church is almost entirely white Americans, despite the fact that there are large populations of Central and South American, South East Asian, and Indian Subcontinent descent living in the immediate area. 

So I've stood. I've stood by watching people praise Donald Trump: a man who shows hatred to the refugee and the foreigner (people God calls out by name for use to love), to people of color (who are made in God's image, to women, to people who disagree with him. I've watched the unrelenting hatred hurled at those who disagree with us. I've watched in horror as White Nationalism and Christian Nationalism have become more closely aligned, and take deeper root in the Church. I've listened and become more concerned with what I hear and don't hear. The slow, steady discomfort in my heart that began as I wondered "Is this really what Jesus intended?" grew louder, and louder, and more persistent. As I read the bible, and I read Jesus, and the Apostles I asked again, "If this is how Jesus and his first followers lived, why do we live completely differently?" Then the pandemic came, and we all started church from home. And I attended virtually for a while, but I stopped. I couldn't really say why, but mostly it just didn't seem to matter. And I watched as the church defended murderers, defended sex abusers, covered up absolutely terrible things, and yet there was no outcry. My family is high risk, and I watched as the Church said, through actions, "You're not welcome here."

I chanced one day on a pastor talking about deconstruction. I read a lot about it. Some of it intrigued me, some of it disquieted my soul in the same way that standing stagnant had. It led me to Brian Zahnd, and this blog post. I felt my soul stir. Yes, "Restoration", that's what I'm seeking. I like "Renovation" a bit better, because I'm not tearing up the foundation, I'm taking pieces one by one, and asking "is this real?". 

First and foremost, I think back to one of my high school teachers and fathers of my faith, KC Stewart. He once said something to the effect of: "One way to categorize theology is into four groups: die over, divide over, decide over, debate over." That is things that I will tell you to pull the trigger before I deny, things that I so strongly disagree with, or are so central to my understanding of God that I cannot be in community with those with another view, issues that each of use must make a decision on, and issues that are fun to discuss over coffee, but have as much relevance as what color of socks I'm wearing. What would I die over? I thought through that, and said:

1. God created everything, somehow, but is Himself uncreated
2. God is mysteriously triune, and yet there is only one God.
3. Humanity was made to be in relationship with God, but through our own actions became separated from him
4. Jesus, who is God and man in one, 100% both in union; came and lived a perfect life, died, and by His own power rose from the dead and provides a way for us to be restored to relationship with God through Him. This is the only way to God

Actually, this list hasn't changed much over the years. This is what, as I understand, it means to be a Christian. What goes in the rest of the boxes, well that's what God and I are going to wrestle through, what I'm going to pray about, and what I'm going to seek in the bible. It's one of the things I'm going to write here. But one thing I know already, is that theology, thinking, is not enough. Jesus did, and if I'm going to follow Him, then I too must do.